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this morning broke, homeless, and passed out in front of ESPN's Sports Center studios. Unless you're me, and you feel like complete shit because your whole life is nothing but a goddamn joke." "Jumanji! Kilborn, who had moved to Los Angeles before apparently going bankrupt, losing his home, and becoming a vagrant, would not comment as to how he ended up in Bristol, CT, but police sources said they later found a Mercedes registered to Kilborn's older sister broken down on the side of nearby I-95. " Olbermann was at MSNBC studios in Secaucus, NJ at the time. According to employees, Kilborn mumbled underneath his breath that he was starving and would be "dropping by" The Daily Show studios, hopefully before they took down the staff's free lunch buffet.
According to ESPN sources, Kilborn appeared even thinner and more frail than usual, reeked of cigarette smoke and gin, and his clothes—a moth-eaten dark suit that may have been the same one he wore in his last-ever Sports Center appearance—were in tatters. Splash." Kilborn then regurgitated in a nearby garbage can. The vehicle had clearly been lived in for weeks, possibly even months. After ransacking sportscaster Stuart Scott's dressing room, urinating on his own shoes, and emerging with a tie knotted around his bare, sweaty neck, Kilborn proceeded to interrupt the 6 a.m.
Onlookers stated that, upon being woken up from his drunken stupor, the still-inebriated Kilborn asked to be shown to his "regular dressing room." The gangly, 6'5" former anchor then eluded security for long enough to stumble down the studio halls and blurt out random catchphrases from his broadcasting days at Sports Center, including but not limited to "Gettin' giddy in the zone," "If it feels good, do it," and "The low angle spank! "But then again, as a broke, homeless man, that's his job." Though Kilborn did not harm anyone and was treated with respect by current employees during his unannounced visit to his former employer, his mood shifted noticeably when he saw a framed picture of former ESPN anchor Keith Olbermann. " Kilborn said as he opened doors to the sound, graphics, and editing bays. Kilborn then repeatedly attempted to kiss former colleague Linda Cohn. " Kilborn said while unsuccessfully trying to suppress a fit of belching. " "Craiggers is back, people," said Kilborn, whose signature gelled blond hair was described in a later police report as dank and lice-ridden. Job One for a comedian is figuring out exactly who you are, so you can better explain it to an audience.BALTIMORE—Wincing and shaking his head at the sight of trainers assisting the opposing team’s running back off the field, 34-year-old Baltimore Ravens fan Bobby Ferrara announced Sunday that “you hate to see that” while secretly feeling thrilled about the injury.STATE COLLEGE, PA—Members of the Penn State football coaching staff revealed to reporters Friday that they have no idea what to do with the unbelievably innovative defensive playbooks former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky continues to send them on a regular basis.
SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans. I've got five questions with Linda coming up right after the break.